K-Pop Observations Part III: Blurring Relationship Lines

Boundaries are beautiful things. They’re very healthy, helpful, and natural things. Self-care is one of the most important things we can do to take care of ourselves mentally, emotionally, and physically. The best self-care, I’ve found, is saying “no!” or “not now!” or “enough!” to people, to situations, and to the way people treat and speak to you. It is important to remember that boundaries aren’t limitations to personal growth or to experiences. Boundaries actually enhance personal growth and increase access to positive experiences by defining personal expectations, relationships, and comfort levels.

Henry Cloud said, “Boundaries define us. They define what is me and what is not me. A boundary shows me where I end and someone else begins, leading me to a sense of ownership. Knowing what I am to own and take responsibility for gives me freedom.” Boundaries free us, and allow us to live in a way that is personally acceptable and necessary. Boundaries in our professional and personal lives give us freedom; they give us a sense of autonomy, they give us the ability to be ourselves and to live healthily; they give us the ability to respect and be respected.

But… what happens when those boundaries don’t exist, or are repeatedly and purposefully violated?

Simply, without boundaries--without clear and definitive lines--our autonomy, individual choice, the ability to be truly respected and understood, and to live happily and healthily is removed. Without boundaries we are forced into mental and emotional bondage.

Overenthusiastic fans have a tendency to cross many different literal and figurative lines. Lines are crossed in very obvious ways, such as stalking singers, calling celebrities' phone numbers and messaging them day and night, trying to touch celebrities or steal their possessions, or even kidnapping celebrities. It should go without saying that those are very intrusive activities and, as such, are very damaging to singers, both physically and mentally. Constant, continual, aggressive, and extreme invasions of personal space, particularly to the degree we see in the invasion of celebrities’ lives, can leave lasting and devastating effects.

There are three, out of the many, ways lines are blurred in the relationship between fans and celebrities that are, in my opinion, particularly disturbing. The three lines I want to talk about are disturbing because they show a clear lack of understanding, respect, and appreciation for human life and social boundaries.

The first blurred line relates to social cues and behaviour: grotesque objectification.

Before we dive in a little to the gross objectification of K-pop singers, I think it is important to note that there is nothing wrong with finding someone physically, intellectually, mentally, and/or even sexually attractive. There is nothing wrong on the surface with fantasizing or imagining what it would be like to date or be romantically involved with celebrities--everybody has done it at one point in time. There is nothing necessarily inherently wrong with commenting on the attractiveness or personality or desirability of a celebrity. However, fans sometimes go above and beyond what is appropriate and, in any other circumstance, socially (and legally) acceptable.

In the comment section of any, and every, K-pop music video, you will find comments from fans of all ages. The comments particularly in the comment section of male K-Popper music videos are…overwhelming. When I first started looking at K-pop music videos--after not looking at them for years--I found one of the most sexually charged, aggressive, and disturbing comment sections I have ever seen. Women, some of whom were old enough to be the mothers of the young men in the music video, were commenting about how “delicious” and “sexy” the young men, who were in their late teens to early 20s, were, in addition to what they wanted to do to and with these young men sexually. In some interviews with male singers, women would touch the young men, a lot of the time without permission, and would comment about the physical appearance, and attractiveness, of the singers. In other interviews I found, women would hyper-focus on one singer they liked from a group, or the singer they thought was the most attractive, and would completely ignore everyone else--to the point where these women would not even look at or speak to the other singers in the group they were interviewing. The comment sections of the music videos and interviews of women singers and groups were less aggressive and disturbing; however, there would still be mean-spirited comments about the women’s body shape and physique or their face or their hair, their clothes or dance moves. Frankly, if a woman (including an extra or a backup dancer) was in any music video, for any amount of time, that woman would be attacked and made fun of for any reason. When a woman was aesthetically pleasing, however, she was a “sexy goddess”, someone that commenters would do anything for. When women were the right shade of sexy, commenters would talk about the singers’ possible sexual prowess and their willingness to be dominated and humiliated by a specific singer or singers. When some fans aren’t commenting about their fantasies, they’re making video compilations of singers’ “sexy moments” or “rude moments” (slang for being sexy or stimulating to their fans), or video compilations of singers in articles of clothing that accentuate certain body parts (such as abs or genitalia). Comment sections of those video compilations are, naturally, a gross, disturbing, sexually-charged reflection of those compilations.

Again, there is nothing wrong with finding another human adult attractive, cute, sexy, intelligent, funny or great boyfriend/girlfriend material. The problem comes when comments go from simply stating someone is attractive to sexual harassment; from focusing on someone’s talent and accomplishments to their potential sexual prowess; from respecting someone’s personal space and boundaries to sexual assault; from enjoying someone’s music and dancing abilities to only enjoying the way their body looks in their costume/outfits or while moving in a specific way. In no other context would it be appropriate or acceptable to talk to (or about) someone you don’t know, or just met, about what you want to do to them sexually or to touch them without permission. In many of the interviews, and other settings where singers engage with their fans, you can see how uncomfortable, hurt, disturbed, and, simply, grossed out they are by the comments and actions of some of their fans--you can see those feelings on their face, in their body language, and in how they speak and respond to fans. When we ignore basic, or what should be obvious, social cues, we violate an individual’s boundaries, we violate their dignity as humans, we violate their ability to trust others, and we violate their sense of self-worth. When we objectify these singers, we turn them from humans with hopes, dreams, needs, wants, goals, and achievements to pieces of meat to do with what we please. When we violate these singers repeatedly and continually with overly sexual and inappropriate comments and actions, after a while, we turn them into play things, objects of our own pleasure, objects designed to gratify and satisfy us.

The second blurred line relates to fans’ use of possessive words. I think it’s important to acknowledge and understand that having a favourite singer is not the same thing as the singer being “yours”, in any capacity. Some things I’ve noticed fans doing is referring to a singer as “my”, our”, or “ours”--in a way that doesn’t explain or describe favouritism. In other instances, fans will use a singer's birth name (not stage name) when referring to, or talking to, that singer. Using these possessive terms creates a relationship and denotes a familiarity that doesn’t exist, and, as such, creates unrealistic and impossible expectations. In my experience, use of possessive terms (i.e. mine, my, our, ours, etc.) is reserved for people in personal and intimate relationships (such as family members, close friends, and romantic partners), or at least someone you have an actual (though not necessarily personal) connection to (such as your boss). Possessive terms aren’t for people you’ve seen on TV, had a five minute conversation with, or seen at a cafe. When we use possessive terms to describe our relationship to someone we are inserting ourselves into their lives, we are claiming a part of someone, we are cementing our relationship to a person, and we are establishing expectations. Using someone’s birth name, particularly when they don’t go by that name in public or haven't given you permission to use that name, can be very invasive. As someone who doesn’t go by their birth name in the public sphere, and who doesn’t live close to family, having someone say my birth name can mean a lot, especially if I haven’t heard it in a while. It can feel like someone recognizes you and acknowledges you beyond what you show the world. A birth name is, in many ways, an extension of who we are, it’s a little piece of us, it’s something that can be really personal for someone who doesn’t actively go by their first name. When someone continuously and unsolicitedly calls you by something they don’t have a right to, it can be very uncomfortable and invasive.

Again, using possessive terms when describing another person establishes a personal relationship. In some ways, it gives you a right to or allows you to stake a claim to certain aspects of someone’s life. Fans don’t have a right to singers’ lives, any aspect of those lives. Using possessives, even innocently, is a subtle way of blurring fan-singer lines because the fans place themselves in a position that is not only inappropriate, but also nonexistent.

I want to share an example of a gross blurring of the fan-singer relationship line that deeply disturbed and bothered me (and, honestly, still does). When I was researching mental health in the Korean entertainment industry, I noticed a certain topic came up repeatedly--unfortunately, that topic was suicide. Suicide is a devastating topic and event for the friends and family of the person who passed. To no longer be able to hold or see or hear or be around someone you deeply love and care about, someone who is a big presence in your life, someone you’ve done life with, someone you’ve created memories with, is not something that can be completely expressed or truly understood if you’ve never experienced it.

When I was looking at videos on mental health in Korea, I inadvertently clicked on a news clip covering the death and funeral of a young singer. For some reason, I scrolled to the comment section. I’m not sure what I was expecting to find or what I thought I was going to see in the comment section; nevertheless, what I found in that comment section was grotesque and tone-deaf. There were some condolences expressed in the comment section, there were people who were genuinely saddened by the loss of a young life, a life with so much potential and talent. There were people that were genuinely saddened for the family and friends of the individual who passed. Then there were others who forgot that their life is not inherently connected to the passed singer. The comments I found were:“I’m going to miss X so much.”; “X played such a big role in my life.”; “It will be hard, but I will get through this.”; and “Don’t worry [Fan Name], we will get through this together. I know X’s family and friends are also grieving, but we will also be able to get through this.” Unfortunately, the more you read the comments, the more deluded and inappropriate they became—the fans, the people who did not know the celebrity on a personal level, the people who will continue their lives unaffected, the people who will forget this person even existed, put themselves and their perceived pain above the actual pain of the celebrity’s family and friends. This person’s mother will never again get to wipe away her baby’s tears; this person’s father will never get to see their child married; this person’s siblings will no longer get to hug their sibling; and this person’s friends will never get another chance to laugh and joke with someone who was like their own family. But, it doesn’t just end there—the man or woman who was born to love that person for eternity will never get to hold the love of their life; and, the children of the person who died will either never exist or will never have the influence of the one person who would have shaped their lives forever. How many lives, how many generations, and how many communities have been completely changed forever because of the death of one person?

But, these fans don’t get another album or movie or television show—I guess their loss is the same as the celebrity’s family and friends.

The third blurred line is related to the blatant disregard for human life in the form of suicide petitions. I honestly didn’t know this was a thing--I didn’t realize that a suicide petition was something people created and participated in. When I first heard about these petitions, I was shocked and decided to look more into them, and what drove them. Two cases I came across were disturbing because of how young the targets of the petitions were. In the first case I came across, someone young said something immature in a moment of frustration; and, in the second case, someone did something immature in a moment of what was most likely desperation. There are a lot of reasons why these suicide petitions are surprising--one of the biggest reasons, probably the biggest reason, is that they aren’t even a little bit warranted. The individuals targeted in the petitions didn’t say or do something morally reprehensible (they didn’t murder anyone or assault another person or steal or cheat)--they simply said and did something socially and culturally unpalatable.

I think it can be easy to dismiss the destructive and sinister nature of things like suicide peititons as a reflection of culture. In conversations I’ve had with friends and family, in addition to research, the topic of honour culture, in relation to suicide, came up quite a bit. The idea of restoring honor or atoning for a cultural/societal sin through one’s death came up very often. I understand the cultural and historical relevance and context of honour, family, and suicide. I think social and cultural contributions to mental health and to behaviour needs to be considered--how and where we grew up plays a large part in who we become, how we behave, how we think, how we speak, and how we feel. However, suicide petitions are something completely different than cultural customs or ideas on how to handle mistakes, indiscretions, or dishonour--they’re much darker, much more sinister, much more cruel, much more manipulative, and much more calculating. What I don’t understand is how something like a “suicide petition” in response to the careless and dumb actions of youth repair personal or familial honor. Where is the honour in demanding the end to a father’s legacy? Where is the honour in purposefully sending an older woman to bed every night in tears? Where is the honour in attempting to break up blood and chosen families? Where is the honour in orchestrating the termination of fated love? Where is the honor in demanding the elimination of future generations and the destruction of communities? Where is the honor in coordinating the end of human life? How is there honour in petty vindictiveness, cruelty, and momentary anger?

Despite cultural and social differences between the west and Korea, and Asia in general, what these types of petitions boil down to is a complete immaturity and lack of respect for human life. I can tell you with certainty that the people who create these types of petitions are young, immature, don’t have children, have never worked with children, are, perhaps, an only child, have never experienced the real world, and have never struggled with mental health, or known someone who has struggled with mental health. Why? Because there is no way an individual who has created children will be able to tell someone else’s child, someone’s creation, to die. There is no way someone who has younger siblings, or even younger friends, can demand that someone else’s younger sibling, or friend, kill themself. There is no way someone who has worked with children, who has looked into the eyes of a child and has seen pure joy, hope and innocence, can, with confidence, tell someone’s child to “do the world a favour and end yourself”. There is no way that someone who has seen the destruction of mental illness can easily, and in good conscience, tell someone to commit suicide.

Struggling with mental health is something that happens to many adults at some point in their life. If someone is struggling with mental health, and/or with suicidal ideations, they need to be understood, supported, and encouraged to seek professional help. What these individuals don’t need is anger, toxicity, hostility, and abuse aimed at their ultimate destruction. What these individuals don’t need is the continuous and malicious exacerbation of their deep personal, emotional, mental, spiritual, and, perhaps, physical pain.

These suicide petitions are a reflection of how we view the celebrities in the Korean entertainment industry. These petitions are a reflection of the “all-or-nothing” mentality we have about these singers: do what “I” expect of and want from you, or die. These petitions halt any conversation on mental health; they halt any conversation on why a singer said or did something that was unpalatable; they halt any ability of the singer to learn from mistakes, grow as a person, and mature emotionally, mentally, and socially. These petitions are not a reflection or a result of “bad behaviour”, of honour that needs to be restored, of corrective measures and disciplinary action, or even the immorality and depravity of the singer. Suicide petitions are only the reflection of the people who create, sign, and support these petitions--these petitions are only reflections of the participants' own personal immaturity, depravity, apathy, and cruelty.

Support your favourite singer or group. Share their work. Participate in and encourage their success. Cheer for them, cry with them, and laugh with them. Be angry at injustice and abuse. However, do all of these things in a healthy, respectful way. You can be friendly with singers without being friends with them. You can despise their mistreatment without actively contributing to that mistreatment. You can love a singer and participate in their success without demanding, and expecting, a personal, intimate relationship.

Allow yourself, and these singers to be free, by creating, maintaining, and encouraging respectful and appropriate boundaries.